SaveYourDramaForYourMama!

Friends

2009-04-22T17:17:00.000-07:00

An amazing person has come into my life recently and I am so thankful, I had to put something on my blog about it. I know I don't post very often, but like to make sure I Post important things. This friend I have actually known since High school. We played ball together, actually coached HS JV Softball together, and then really haven't had any contact with each other until last spring. We have talked a few times but until this last March we didn't have much to do with each other. We recently reconnected and have talked everyday or been together everyday or both since the middle of March. I am so excited to spend time with her, she is amazing, and lots of fun. I don't know how to describe our relationship other than it has been just absolutely amazing in such a short time. She has all the qualities that I have always wanted to find in a friend, we have tons in common and everyday we find more and more in common. I am looking forward to our time together and have just felt happier the past month than I have in the past year. I am grateful for her and her willingness to put herself out there for me so I could get to know her!

Ok guys, seriously I am not dead!

2009-03-23T21:07:00.000-07:00

Just have been really busy! Here is a pic of our latest jeep trip, we had tons of fun, and I really will try to do a post every now and again! I have been working outside in my yard or on the motorcycles, I hardly ever sit down these days! Loving this new found freedom of not working!

Life Change

2009-02-04T20:07:00.001-08:00

So this week I have found myself unexpectedly unemployed and now have tons of time to do all the things that I love to do. Blogging is one of them. Even though this came as a surprise, we have decided that we are going to do everything possible to make it happen so that I can stay home. I have big plans! Housework, yardwork, all the little projects that I haven't had time to do. I have only been home for two days and have enjoyed every minute of it. I rode my motorcycle today, it was 50 degrees out there, and I couldn't stand not getting on my bike!
Of course, I still have two other "jobs" to keep me busy. The ambulance, and also my drug testing company. So I am hoping that I will be able to keep busy there and be able to keep some bills paid, but I am happy that I have those options.
My family is happy so what started as something that was just shocking and horrible, is turning out to be a great thing. I am planning on blogging more!

2009-01-01T00:50:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T00:31:00.000-08:00

So we are up at my husbands brothers house, ringing in the new year, and the party is starting wind down, so while I have a few moments before I crash, I thought I would get a post out real quick. Things are going well in life right now, my job is going very good, my attitude is a lot better these days, i think it is because I am actually feeling really good. It is a good feeling to be able to say that the only pills I take every morning are vitamins and not anti depressants or narcotics or anything else. My relationship with my parents is going rather well, and I am getting along with my brothers well also. Like I said, I think a lot of it is my attitude and just the way I react to other people. I am not as moody as I used to be, my moods have evened out, and I find that I am not irritated as easily as I used to be. What a huge difference that makes! Oftne I find myself lacking in the blog arena, I think I should be funnier or cleverer :) But then I finally realized that I am just me and sometimes I am funny and sometimes I am not. I tend to take life a little too serious, I have a hard time just relaxing and being silly, so most of my posts are rather serious but I guess that is just the way I am. Occasionally I will let loose and have some fun, and most of the time it is when I am with a really good friend, or with my brothers.
I am thankful for all the people in my life who love and care about me, and I hope that this year I can show them how much they all mean to me.
I continue to run on the ambulance, and work full time and am working furiously and feverishly to raise my three great kids, and try to be a friend and wife to my wonderful husband who loves me but just doesn't know how to tell me. We are working on that too! :) I seriously can't complain about life at this point. Sure the economy stinks and we are feeling it in our personal finances, but I keep looking at the fact that we both have great jobs and we are just doing the very best we can and so far it is working.
I wish I could eloquently express how I am feeling, but I am not good with words like that. So I will say this-- Life now compared to a year ago is totally amazing and I am happy with the changes that I was able to make in my own life, with my depression and anxiety, and other areas that I still continue to work on. I have new friends, better relationships with old friends, and overal am pretty happy with the way things are. I think there is still room for much improvement, but I think that is always the case. We were put on this earth to learn, to be tested, to love, to hurt, to laugh, to cry, to fail, to succeed, and on and on. This year I have experienced a little bit of everything and I am happy to say that I have learned a ton, and hope to continue to do a little improving each day. I am grateful for my Heavenly Father for being patient with me, and loving me and for sending blessings my way when I needed them and for allowing me to serve others and facilitate some of the blessings that others needed.
I will stop rambling, but I hope that all my friends and family know how much I love each of them and how they have impacted my life even if I don't tell them. Happy New Year. May we all have the blessings we need and continue to do our very best everyday.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-23T09:04:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas everyone! I have not had time to keep up on my blog, but I hope to be able to soon. Just wanted to wish all my bloggy friends a Merry Christmas, I am hoping that I will have some time to check up on everyone's blogs while I am home this weekend. Love you all!

2008-12-09T13:02:00.001-08:00

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Help!!

2008-12-08T22:30:00.000-08:00

I have been asked to speak to a combined young men/young women group this coming Sunday. They want me to speak on Good Works and my service on the ambulance and how it can bring a person closer to Christ. Ok, I am seriously drawing a blank on how to present this and not feel like I am standing up there bragging about something that I love to do. I have no idea how to tie it in the way they want me to. I have taught tons of lessons to youth and RS, but I have never been a "special speaker". This is actually freaking me out a little, not because I have to speak, but because I have no idea what to do. I am asking, begging, pleading my blog friends to brainstorm and help me out with this idea so that I can present it in a way that these youth will be excited about giving service when I am done. Another thing is, I don't think it is appropriate to stand up there on Sunday and tell ambulance stories. None of them are pretty. None of them feel like service at the time. Anyway, any ideas? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Come on people! Times a wastin!

I'm a slacker

2008-12-08T17:35:00.000-08:00

I know... I know... I am a slacker. I haven't posted FOREVER! My life is so busy, it's just crazy. Thanksgiving was awesome, it was the first one in my 15 years that I stayed home with my family and just cooked. It was so great, I surprised even myself. I had a friend of mine here with her kids and we just cooked up a storm. We had a lot of fun. We went and visited my parents... I know... shocker, but my grandma was there so we made an appearance for about an hour and half. My mom sure is trying hard to make ammends. I am being nice, but definitely not going out of my way to spend a lot of time there, not because I am trying to be a jerk, I just seriously do not have time. I have been trying to tell my mom this literally for six years, because she would complain almost everyday that I would never stop and see her, and I would try to help her understand what my days are like but she would still be offended. Then my dad got all over it and told me, "What kind of a daughter are you, that you can't stop and see your mom?" (Whole other story)

I have been trying to tell them both that times have changed for me, I have three kids that are all getting older, they are not babies anymore, they all three have different agendas, schedules, etc. I have three jobs, and my husband is on the truck most of the week, so whatever I do during the week, I usually do it on my own. Life is hard, fast, busy, and it sucks sometimes and so I really don't feel bad about not spending any time there. The point to this little rant? Since our falling out after the divorce and remarriage, I don't have to give them excuses, I just stay away and they seem to try to understand. I know they think I am doing it on purpose, and I am seriously not, but I am liking the fact that they are leaving me alone to live my life and raise my kids. Sometimes I HATE living in the same town as both sides of the family, and other times I am really glad that I do.

2008-11-26T11:27:00.000-08:00

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Marilyn!

You are a Marilyn -- "I am affectionate and skeptical."

Marilyns are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

* Be direct and clear

* Listen to me carefully

* Don't judge me for my anxiety

* Work things through with me

* Reassure me that everything is OK between us

* Laugh and make jokes with me

* Gently push me toward new experiences

* Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a Marilyn

* being committed and faithful to family and friends

* being responsible and hardworking

* being compassionate toward others

* having intellect and wit

* being a nonconformist

* confronting danger bravely

* being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a Marilyn

* the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind

* procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself

* fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of

* exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger

* wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right

* being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Marilyns as Children Often

* are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn

* are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger

* form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent

* look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel

* are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

Marilyns as Parents

* are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty

* are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence

* worry more than most that their children will get hurt

* sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

My thoughts on FRIENDS

2008-11-24T21:06:00.000-08:00

If you know me even a little bit, you know this about me... Friends are so so important to me. It just is. Not sure why, just is. So here is a super long post about some feelings I have had.

I have been thinking a lot about friends the past few weeks, and finally decided that I better get my thoughts together and post them so I can move on to other things. I have a lot of different types of friends from all walks of life. I have great bloggy friends that I love to stay in touch with. I have a friend who lives in Wyoming that travels the country working nine months out of the year. I hear from her a couple of times a year and when we do get together it is so fun! She is generous and happy and full of great advice and I just love being around her. I have a friend who lives in Georgia who has been my friend since 9th grade. She is happy, fun, an incredibly hard worker with one of the biggest hearts I have ever known. We talk every few weeks and are there for each other when needed. I have a friend in Lehi, who has been my life saver the past few months. She has wisdom from her years of life and lots of kids, and we are truly kindred spirits. She is able to give me the best advice because, not only has she been there, but we are so much a like we handle situations in the very same way. She takes time to talk to me and I know how much she loves me. She is on a mission in Armenia right now, and even though she is busy, she takes the time to send me personal emails and is concerned about how I am doing. I miss her terribly. I cry everytime I read one of her emails. Her and I used to talk every Wednesday morning, and I really miss that.

I have several friends who I run with on the ambulance who I care for very much. They have been there for me as much I have been there for them. They allow me to be me without judgement. They love me for who I am no matter what mood or what trial I am going through. I know I could count on any one of them for anything I need day or night.
I have a friend who I have known my whole life, have lived with him throughout childhood, and we have recently discovered that we are good friends. I know I can count on him for anything when Eric is gone, and I know I can confide in him and he loves me and tries to help me. He is an amazing person, and I love him so very much. I hope that I can show him that someday. He has for years just been my brother but now I truly can say that he is my friend.
Just recently I have met someone who is so much like me, that we just clicked. We laugh, we cry, we fart, we are just comfortable together and it is so nice to be able to be myself. Completely myself around her. I don't have to pretend, I don't have to act a certain way because I think it will make her happy. She is more like a sister to me than a friend, but since I don't know what it is like to have a sister, what do I know? I consider myself very lucky to have found such a good listener. She lets me go on and on and on and just listens. I have never really had that before. It's a good feeling to have a friendship that I don't have to work at so hard to keep it going. It is just there and it's so easy.

As I have thought about all of these different types of friends in my life, I have had an overwhelming feeling of the blessings that all of these friends are in my life, and Heavenly Father put them there for me. They all have different qualities and different strengths and they have all been a blessing to me in some way or another. I have friend who I have been married to for almost 15 years, and we are just finding out about each other that we truly are best friends, soulmates. It is because I have allowed him to be there for me, I have confided in him, I am no longer afraid to let him see my weaknesses and imperfections. He has been there for me and helped me in ways that I cannot put into words. I grateful beyond words that Heavenly Father has seen fit to bless me in my life with this man. I am so thankful that I get to be with this man forever.

As I continue on through this journey called mi vida loca, I have come to understand that I don't have to change myself, to make someone else happy. If a friend or family member truly loves me, they accept me for me and not for the pretty wrapping they see on the outside. They will be able to see the inside of me and love me anyway. I feel like one of my greatest qualitites is my ability to seek ways to serve and help other people. I would do anything for any of my friends or family no matter what. I have always been like that. That is one of the reasons I became an EMT and have just absolutely loved it. Because I get to help people in so many different ways. Sometimes it's just a hand to hold, sometimes it's just a kind word or a smile, or sometimes it is actually life saving events. I don't hardly ever get a thank you, but that is not important to me. I love doing it, and I feel like it is what I have been looking for in my life to feel like I am contributing to this community, and to feel like I fit somewhere.

I have changed a lot and grown up a lot in the past few years. Especially in the past year. If I want to tell someone close to me that I appreciate them, and love them, I do it. If I want to hug someone because the moment presents itself, I do it. No regrets. No insecurities. I love people and I love helping people. I have allowed myself to think that for so many years, if I supress that in myself, that I would find the friend, and sister I have always been looking for. What I am finding out is, that I have to love myself and be ok with who I am and then I am not going to continually be seeking reassurance from someone who can't give me what I need. I can find what I need in myself and in the people who truly love me, no matter the status of my testimony, or whether or not I have a bad day and a good day in the same week. I am starting to understand what true happiness is, and starting to understand what true friendship is. It is a feeling of freedom that I have not allowed myself to experience before because of the pressures and expectations that I have put on myself and have allowed others to put on me. I am Finally making choices in my life that are in harmony with what I want, and also what my Savior wants. I know I still have a long ways to go, but I feel like maybe I can put my heart into life again if my heart is where it is supposed to be. It is extremely important that I look at the little steps and the tiny bits of progress that I am making and feeling successful about rather than looking at the final destination and feeling like a failure because it seems so far away and unreachable.

Heavenly Father has blessed me with more blessings than I can comprehend and I try each and every day to let him know how much I truly love him and his son, My Savior and my elder brother. They are the perfect example of what a friend should be like and I hope to continue to strive to be there for all of my friends and family the way Christ would. I am learning things each day and hope to continue to keep learning. I understand that we are on this earth to learn what we need to in order to reach our final destination. I hope I can stand up to the test of time and be the person I need to be in order to reach that destination. That is what I truly want in my life, even though sometimes the path has been hard for me to see. My friends have helped me to stay on that path, even when the way has seemed impossible at times. I am thankful for all of them and the different roles they play in my life, and I hope to continue to live my life to deserve every one of them.

I have had some experiences in the past year that has burned me pretty hard on the subject of friends. I hate to even add this to the post, but it is the reason I have done so much growing this past year. I had a friend who was my best friend for 11 years and now due to lots of fights and crazy circumstances, we can hardly stand the sight of each other. That has been so hard. It has taken me months and months to get to the point to where I can see her and my heart doesn't just completely ache. I am grateful for her and her role in my life but I am understanding now, that that part of my life is over and I have to move on and grow and learn new things. It's so hard to close one door so I can open another, but I feel more confident everyday that I can get past this and not let it eat at me. I truly feel no hard feelings toward her, and I am sure someday I will be able to smile and say hi and ask, "How are you doing?" and totally be sincere about it. It's not easy to get over that kind of hurt. But I am doing it. I never thought I could but I did. I am. It feels good.

Music!

2008-11-18T14:21:00.001-08:00

I was commenting on blogstalkers blog when it got so long, I decided to copy and paste it and put it in as a post. Talk about multi-tasking! I love music! I make up my own words to tunes like I sing to my kids "Go clean your room, etc. etc." to like a Guns and Roses song or something. I remember when I first taught my kids to head bang, my neck was sore for three days. Needless to say, I don't do that anymore. I love Phantom of the Opera, Eminem, and anything and everything in between. Music makes me cry, makes me happy, makes me excited, gives me chills. I have to have music on ALL the time. I wake up my kids to all different kinds of music every morning, and sometimes go to sleep at night listening to music. I love to sing as well. I sang in the Messiah for 12 years, sang in just about every ward choir imaginable. I really love to sing and my kids say that I should try out for American Idol, I always tell them that I am too old! Anyway, there are my thoughts on music. Yea me.

Update on the Parents

2008-11-11T11:49:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's all still so dramatic. Just wanted to update y'all about my stupid drama that I hate. So yes, my parents did go and get married. They didn't invite us, they told us over the phone and because I was at work when I was told this, I was upset and said some things to my boss that got back to my mom (they were all true, I just shouldn't have said them in anger) anyway, last Monday my mom came down to my work... Yes, you read right. SHE CAME TO CONFRONT ME AT MY PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT. I was in shock, I couldn't believe it. We walked out into the parking lot and she proceeded to yell and scream and cry and accuse me of all sorts of things that I didn't do or say. She actually at one point wrapped her bony little arms around my neck and squeezed so tight that I had to pull her off of me. (I don't like PDA's anyway, and this was ridiculous) She was hanging on like she was desparate to hang on to our relationship only what she didn't realize is that she was effectively driving me further away by this little display of emotion. The second time I pulled her off of me I had to hold her wrists down at her sides and I told her to settle down and knock it off. Then all the sudden, her demeanor completely changed and she was all hanging her head and apologetic like she suddenly realized what she had done. Her neighbor that morning had told her that I said she was stupid and that my dad was a manipulator. She was pissed. I told her that I have never called her stupid, that was the neighbors own words, but yes I did call my dad a manipulator, because that's what he is, and to my logic I figured he had to have manipulated her into running off and getting married, because that so isn't her.

Part 2 of this--
I didn't speak to either parent for two weeks and was starting to feel dang good. Like I said before, distance always helps me. I went to church on Sunday, feeling crappy because I am coming off an antidepressant and PMSing at the same time. So my kids take off into the chapel and sit by my parents (they have done this their whole lives) and so I was standing there debating what to do. I just went and sat down at the end of the bench and then my husband came in and he was pissed that I would sit down by them. (He can't stand the way I have been hurt over all of this.) So I sat there and by the middle of the meeting I was crying and was so mad, I didn't know if I could sit there anymore. I actually toughed it out and went home afterwards. That night, I was pretty upset and cried a lot, talked to my brother, etc., etc., and went to sleep hoping I would feel better in the morning. 7:15 am the phone rings and it is my mom asking to talk and make things better, and when I agreed to talk to her she proceeded to chew me out for "blabbing to the whole town" that they got married and for saying all manner of other things that she assumed I said. (For the record I never blabbed around town about anything, I was actually too embarassed and didn't want anyone to know, but... you know how small towns are.) After about 20 minutes of this, I flew out of bed, absolutely livid, and proceeded to let her have it. I cried, I yelled, I cussed, I cried some more and in a nutshell told her that I was not the oldest child in this family anymore, and she could no longer treat me like I had to shoulder the burden and fix everyone and get put in the middle, etc., etc., she kept interupting me which made me even madder, but I pushed through and got my side of it out, and she said that she would never come to my work again, I said, "Damn straight you won't do that again, because you are not welcome anywhere near my work. How do you think that made me look. And because you and dad always seem to find me a lone and single me out and blame me for the whole families problems, blah, blah, you do not have the right to talk to me at all unless my husband or my brother is with me." I further told her that I would not allow them to put me in the middle anymore and ask so much of me, and then turn around and tell me that I have never loved them and never supported them. I told her that I am an adult, with adult responsibilities and problems and every minute that I spend worrying about their problems, is time that I am taking away from my own family. I know that I was pretty harsh, but I have told her all of this before and she says she understands but then she goes and blames me for whatever it is that is going wrong that I am not fixing for her. Like she is lonely, needs help with her homework (she is going to nursing school)and if I am not readily available at the very moment she needs me, she gets all pissed off and says that I don't support her. So anyway, I told her that I need time to heal, time to get over things, I am not one to get over something quickly either.

There were many things that happened in my childhood that comes with living with an alcoholic father. I never have used these things as excuses for my problems as an adult. But in the past 6 months with everything that has happened, a lot of things have been on my mind and I have been making connections and understanding things that as I child I had never understood. The walls that I build around myself to protect me from getting stomped on are not from these things that happened. They are the direct result of the way my dad has treated me the last 10 or so years. The blaming and mistreatment really started when one day I decided to stand up for myself, and ever since then, we have gotten into major arguments that always end up in one of us walking out and slamming the door, and then no contact for 3 or 4 months. This never happens between him and my brothers because they either don't stand up for themselves or they walk away before a confrontation ever occurs. Not me. I stand up for what I believe in and for what I feel is right, and the older I get, the braver I get, and I think that is something that he can't stand. The other thing he can't stand is that he can no longer control or manipulate me. So needless to say I haven't had much of a relationship with him for a long time, but during the divorce, I found him a place to live, bought him groceries, found him some appliances around town, got him set up, helped him move in, helped him pay some bills, made sure he took his meds, etc., etc. (He has $2500 worth of anti rejection meds he takes every month, plus all of his diabetes supplies.) At the same time, I was spending the night at my moms, inviting her to stay at our house. Comforting her when she was upset, helping her with whatever she needed. It finally got to the point that I was not taking care of myself or my family and being in the middle just hurt too bad, so I put some distance in between myself and them when I felt like they could make it on their own. This was the thing that hurt them the most and they still can't see past their own noses and see that I have a life. So that is why I have completely backed off and am just not having anything to do with it. I told them after they got married that I loved them both and hoped that they were happy. What more can I do? For now, nothing. I am just concentrating on taking care of my family, and that is the most important thing I can do.

I feel Special!

2008-11-11T11:45:00.000-08:00

I was just on another Blog which is one of my favorites and Blogstalker was recommending my blog! Cool huh? Maybe someday I will be a famous Blogger! NOT. I love Blogging, and blog stalking or Blalking, or blurking, or whatever. It's great fun, I just don't have time to do it as much as I would like!

I Love this! I have always been a Star Wars Fan!

2008-11-08T20:47:00.000-08:00

Check out this contest!

2008-11-05T14:05:00.000-08:00

Make a comment on this blog and get your name entered into a contest for some chocolate! jodibeacon.blogspot.com

Our New President

2008-11-05T13:15:00.000-08:00

I was out exercising last night and when I left, McCain was in the lead and I thought, "Well, maybe the american people really do know what they are doing." When I got back and my husband told me they had already called it, I was surprised and then not surprised. I kind of had a feeling that Obama would take it. Not that I thougth McCain was the best candidate either, it was kind of like voting for the lesser of two evils. I really liked Romney and hoped he would have made it further, but now I am hoping that Obama will do what this country needs, and that the senate and congress can keep him in check and not let him do anything radical. For the first time in a long time, I am starting to see what the economy is doing to my own personal finances. I am having a harder time making payments than I ever have and am starting to really pay attention to where our money is going. My kids are noticing too, because I am saying NO more often and we are doing without things more often. I am just glad that fuel has gone down and I am going to try hard to start saving better. By better I mean, saving anything at all would be an improvement. But being agressive paying off debt and saving is hard to do at the same time. Well, like I told my kids, Don't worry about it, we will keep paying our tithing and keep praying and have faith that it will all work out. That's all we can do right?

Camping with Ghosts?

2008-10-29T19:10:00.000-07:00

This summer my brothers and I went camping (and our families) and we took some pics. One pic was a little spooky and since it is halloween I thought I would share it. Don't really know what is going on in this pic or what caused it, but we kind of think it was some ghosts hanging out around the fire with us!

More drama from the parents

2008-10-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

So... my parents have been divorced for like 7 or 8 months, and today I got a phone call that they were going to the courthouse in Salt Lake to get married. I had no idea this was coming. Then I later found out that they told my youngest brother 2 nights ago and said, "Don't tell your brother or sister." So I feel like they sneak behind our backs because they know that we will try to talk them out of it. It's not like we don't want them to be happy, and we understand that they are lonely, but there are so many reasons that they should take it slow and date and make some goals and whatever. No one can understand the way I feel unless they have been in my shoes, have heard the lies, the manipulations, the promises coming from my dad for the past 30 years. They are all the same, it's like yada yada yada, yep, heard that one before. I don't know how else to explain it. I don't want to see my mom hurt again, and I don't want to get pulled into anymore drama. But in order to stay away from the drama, I have to distance myself completely from my mom which I don't really want to do, but I have exceeded my emotional limit for the crap that I can deal with. I have been told to get over it, don't let it bother me, but I can't help the way I feel. I want to let go of the hurt, and the issues that I have with my parents... but I just haven't figured out how.

Cold Turkey on the Caffeine

2008-10-24T08:49:00.000-07:00

Well, I am doing ok on no Mountain Dew. It hasn't been easy. If I drink pop at all it's an occasional sprite or some other boring non-caffeinated beverage. I have been drinking some Sobe Green Tea and I am liking that. I am also drinking V8, which I love, and I am drinking tons and tons of YUCK! water. I really get tired of water, but if I am ever going to get rid of this headache (16 days now) I am going to have to try everything I can to get healthy. Today I am trying to get an appointment to get my neck x rayed and see if there is some other cause to this pain other than stress. I was in an accident in February in the ambulance and my massage therapist is thinking that maybe there is some damage in my neck or back that is just now starting to cause me some problems. So.... we shall see. I am learning to function with this headache, but it is not FUN, for sure. I will keep you posted!

Oh the sadness!

2008-10-21T10:15:00.000-07:00

So I am working on getting rid of this tension headache, which is on it's 14th day now. I have had a massage, which was a marvelous thing, and I can't wait for the next one, but here is the sad news. I have decided for the sake of my health and my weight I have to say good bye to my one true love, the one who has been there through everything, the only one I can truly count on and trust! My Beloved Mountain Dew. I have been Dew free for 4 days now and am doing ok, but I do miss it!

BFF Award!

2008-10-21T10:13:00.001-07:00

Thanks Tulsi for the BFF Award! I guess now I am supposed to send this to other people. So I will send it to Becky because other than Tulsi, she is the only other one that ever comments on my blog!

2008-10-16T09:15:00.000-07:00

Ok Because I am at work, I will have to make this fast, because I have deadlines people! I can't just sit around in my pajamas all day and blog! (All though that is my dream job!) Ok, here it is. I have had this headache for SEVEN days! I have never had a headache that long. And I'm sure right now you are thinking "So take something why dontcha!" Well I am here to tell ya, I did. I took Excedrin with obscene amounts of caffeine, I took Motrin 800's alternating with Tylenol. I took Allergy medicine thinking that it was in my sinuses. I slept for two solid days thinking that I could sleep it off. I went in to the doctor and he gave me a shot of NUBAIN which made me violently puke for 12 hours straight, and didn't even touch the headache, so while I was puking I was crying cuz I thought my head would explode. My entire head hurt, into my eyes and neck and back and to the point I had convinced myself that I had Meningitis! Finally, the headache is to the point that light doesn't hurt my eyes as much, and I can kind of bend over now if I have to. I think it is getting better, but if it doesn't completely go away in another day or two, I may have to go to the doctor again and demand a brain scan because I am sure I must have a BRAIN TUMOR! Who knows, but I am sure sick of it. Any home remedies out there that I haven't tried?

Deja Vu?

2008-10-08T20:47:00.000-07:00

Ok I want to know what you all out there in blogging world think about Deja Vu's. They fascinate me and I seem to have them a lot but I don't really understand what they are or why they occur. Any ideas? Come on people! Start commenting!

OK, not so serious today

2008-10-08T08:57:00.001-07:00

Today is a beautiful day, the temperature is perfect, my family is healthy, my husband adores me, my job is going great, and I am pretty happy today. I have the day off tomorrow and will be going to the mountain with my first grade daughters class to look at the fall leaves. I can't think of anything better to do tomorrow! Life is good, I have tons of blessings, and great friends. I do have some bad days every now and again, but I have to remind myself that life is good and to always be thankful!

I can do hard things...

2008-10-07T14:56:00.000-07:00

I saw this comment on another blog that I like to visit and I would like to use it as a preface to what I would like to blog about today.

"My heart aches for those around me that I love, who are going through difficult times. I, too give my heart freely and willingly. I've been betrayed by people I assumed to be my best friends because of this. I have been hurt by a spouse because of this. I hand my heart over willingly, because I want to give love and receive love. but now I fear, I will end up hurt again. I think you are right in that we, the "heart-hander-overs" do this in a way in which we expect nothing in return. But without trafedy there can be no love. Without trials there can be no peace. Remember that there is opposition in all things. I don't know the nature of your "trials", or the matter to which you are giving so much thought to. However, it is apparent that your heart is aching and your heart is full, and your heart is willing and able to give more and do more, if only you could. But it is this "weakness" that makes you the loving genuine person that you are. The funny thing about trials...when we are in the midst of them, they seem impossible to endure. But later, down the road, we can look back and say, "we got through that. I don't know how - but we did". I am a believer that our trials help define who we are. They are also to manifest God's love for us; for it forces us to turn to him. Trials also help us remember that we are not alone. Often times we must rely on the "angels among us" to life us up, or offer a helping hand, or lend a shoulder to cry on. I have always enjoyed writing about my feelings and persepctive through trials. I can read my journal (or blog post) down the road and say - "Wow! I got through that. I CAN do Hard THings." This is something that has become my motto in life: I can do hard things."

Hard things are all around us, and they never seem to go away. And just when you think that you are free and clear, something else hits. This is a post that I did not want to do, but the more I think about it, the more I understand that I NEED to get all of this off my chest and then maybe I can move on and not worry about it. I am just like the person the comment above described. I hand my heart over willingly and freely, and then I take it back and try to put the pieces back together, time after time.

In December of this last year I caught myself thinking, "I hope bad things don't start happening because life has been really good for awhile. Sure we had a couple of deaths in the past few years, but other than that it hasn't been too horrible."

On December 14th I was in Salt Lake when I had a severe panic attack. Never had one before so I really didn't know what was happening. I thought I was having a heart attack. My best friend was with me, we were in SL to do some Christmas shopping. She kind of knew what was going on and she helped me through it. To make a long story short, I had several more after that in the next few weeks, and it pretty much rocked my world. I couldn't function. I was scared to drive, scared to go anywhere, scared to be alone with my kids. The fear of having another attack was as debilitating as the attack itself. After good drugs and some counseling I started to emerge from that cloud, but not before becoming severely depressed. I spent the next several months coming out of that. On January 6, 2008, I went on an ambulance call, (I am an EMT) and what we thought was going to be a small car wreck turned into a bus wreck with 52 passengers severely injured. Again, to make a long story short, it was a very traumatic incident that left us all reeling from the things we saw and experienced. Again, more counseling, a few debriefings. I was on shaky ground emotionally anyway, and then to experience that was almost more that I could handle.
About the time all of that was winding down, my "best friend" of 11 years decided that she couldn't handle any of my problems and walked away from our friendship. Talk about shock and disbelief. In February, I was in an ambulance accident where we hit a man in the middle of the road. He was very lucky and had a few injuries, and my injuries were minor (I was in the back with the patient), but pretty much scared me to death. In March, my parents (to everyone's total shock and surprise) got a very quick and very emotional divorce. They had been married 34 years. The aftershocks of this are still going on.

In May, I stopped by my father in laws house to visit with him for a few minutes.(he had cancer and we knew his time was getting short) I sat in a lawn chair on the front lawn and within 5 minutes of my being there, he had a stroke. I called the ambulance and went from being the patients family, to the EMT and went with him to the hospital. He died in June. He was more like a father to me than my own father is. He taught me so much 15 years that I knew him, I really miss him. A lot more than I realized I would. I think my husband had to comfort me more than I had to comfort him. (Isn't that typical for a bawl baby woman!)

In July I found out through a series of events that my dad, who had been sober for 18 years was drinking again. We went through so much as kids, that I flew off the handle and told him that I had to put up with that lifestyle as a kid and all that went with it, that I would have no part of it now. So basically, my dad and I are not speaking, and because of my position with my dad, my grandma won't speak to me now. There is a long history with me and my dad, and if she knew or if anyone knew the whole story, she would not judge me for keeping some distance.

In August, my very good friend, (a friend that I have made and has kept me sane in the past few months) found out through some Private investigating of our own, that her husband was cheating on her with HER best friend. My heart ached as I tried to be there for her in the aftermath of confronting both of them. My heart still hurts for her as she is going through this difficult time in her life.

Also, in August, when I thought that my "best friend" and I were going to be able to make things work, she betrayed, humiliated, and hurt me again and this time I had to walk away completely to avoid any further hurt. This has been extremely hard, but I know that I am healthier and happier if I avoid her completely. Doesn't mean that it's easy though.

Throughout all of the tests and trials in the past few months, my church attendance and my testimony faded, however, I am steadily getting through each and every day, and I feel stronger and stronger as I continue to strive to make good decisions, try to be a good wife and mother and friend, and EMT and whatever other hat life asks me to wear. At times I have felt completely alone, and other times I have felt the comfort of the Savior. He has not intervened in anyway, and I feel that he is just sitting back, waiting for me to come to Him. It is a difficult thing for me to do- - asking for help. I have always been this way and probably always will, but I have been praying and attending my meetings and I have felt and been very grateful for the blessings that I have recieved in my life, whether I deserve them or not.

I am grateful for my wonderful friend for sticking by me with all of my baggage and drama, even though she has gone through a terrible difficult thing her in life. I try so hard to be a good friend to her and try not to let my past and my difficulty in trusting people, get in the way of being a good friend and trying in some way to help people. Life is very hard. It will probably continue to get harder, and I can say today, that I am grateful for the things that I have learned and the things I will continue to learn to get me through the next few trials. I am thankful for other friends that I have that have listened to me vent and have had some helpful advice a long the way. I am thankful for the blogging community, because in reading other's blogs, I realize that everyone struggles in some of the same ways that I do. And just because some people make life look easy and wonderful, doesn't mean that it is. We all deal with things the very best way we know how, and how great it is to have family and friends who love us and support us along the way.

I knew that I would feel better in writing this, and I do. I know that I will continue to make progress and become the person that I have the potential to be.

I stole this idea from another blog...

2008-10-07T14:26:00.001-07:00

I've Come to Realize

1. I've come to realize that my hair........................never behaves as it should.

2. I've come to realize that my legs.......................don't care if they are shaved or not.

3. I've come to realize that I make........................a lot of work for myself.

4. I've come to realize that when I'm driving................I tent to have a little road rage.

5. I've come to realize that all I need.....................is my family.

6. I've come to realize that I have lost.......................my mind.

7. I've come to realize that I hate it when.............................my brain goes on vacation.

8. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk......................I’m back in my teens.

9. I've come to realize that money....................there's never enough of it.

10. I've come to realize that certain people........................drive me insane.

11. I've come to realize that I'll always be.....................one sandwhich short of a picnic.

12. I've come to realize that my significant other..........was the man I was meant to marry.

13. I've come to realize that my mom..................is a lot stronger than she thinks.

14. I've come to realize that my cell phone..........................is a necessity!

15. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning..................that I didn't get enough sleep.

16. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep........................I should have put the laptop down 2 hours earlier.

17. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about.....................how soon I get to go home from work.

18. I've come to realize that my dad..........................may never be the dad that I thought he could be.

19. I've come to realize that when I get on CafeMom......that I had never been there before.

20. I've come to realize that today ....................I have way too much time on my hands.

21. I've come to realize that tonight....I will enjoy a nice walk in the cold air.

22. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will...........get to come to work again.

23. I've come to realize that I really want to.......................take a nap.

24. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost................is a mystery.

25 . I've come to realize that life........is difficult.

26. I've come to realize that my friends...............are few and precious.

27. I've come to realize that this year.............................................................will end.

My youngest

2008-10-07T12:28:00.000-07:00

This morning upon taking my kids to school, we were following a backhoe down the road toward the school and my youngest said,

"Mom, why do they always have construction?" (She is tired of it too. Everywhere we go there is construction.)

I said, "I don't know I guess they always have to fix stuff."

"Well, why do they start so early?"

I responded, "I guess cuz they have a lot of work to do."

She sighed and made a sound like she was disgusted. "Well don't THEY have children to get to school?"

I don't have to wonder that my attitudes toward things that irritate me, rub off on my kids. I suppose they will all grow up and hate construction and have road rage too!

Pause the music at the bottom of the page, then watch this trailer

2008-10-06T14:15:00.001-07:00

I love...

2008-10-05T21:30:00.000-07:00

my kids*my husband*the gospel*my friends*being an emt*riding my dirt bike*jeeping*camping*my extended family*playing the piano*watching my kids succeed*watching my husband succeed*being there*listening*being a good friend*mountain dew*chocolate*food!*going for walks*fall*taking naps*spending time with my husband*writing on my blog*taking photos of my family*fall colors on the mountain*spending time on the mountain*going to lunch with a good friend*working on things*running on the ambulance*feeling the spirit*good conference talks*to read*listen to music*driving my truck*fixing things*meeting new people*staying at home*our fireplace in the winter*getting together and having fun with family* yardwork*a clean house*laughing (thats me on the left with my cousin)

I hate...

Backstabbers*gossip*dishonesty*cheaters*drama*liver and onions*allergies*snakes*when things don't go my way*my temper*when I am on call and the pager doesn't go off*mornings*when my husband is gone-I miss him*running out of mountain dew in my fridge*watching golf*when kids whine* headaches*pms*cleaning the house*laundry

Our Animals

2008-10-05T21:04:00.000-07:00

We have too many animals! And actually right now, we have a lot less than we usually do. All the animals I have right now, are all ones that I have rescued, except for our lab, who we have had for 5 years now. This past year we have rescued some pretty crazy cats. They all have such funny personalities, we have really enjoyed having them. My girls go crazy and love their kittens so much. I love them because they keep the mice out of my house! We live outside of town basically in the middle of 2 acres of sagebrush, so we pretty much have to have cats to keep out the rodents. Yuck! Sometimes I feel bad for these poor little kittens. They get put through the ringer with my girls. But they are gentle and patient and my girls have so much fun. I have one cat that is allowed in the house, the others have to stay outside although they do sneak in occasionally. Can you tell my lab was not too thrilled with the princess costume for Halloween last year?

My brothers

2008-10-05T20:52:00.001-07:00

Ok, I can't have a blog and not have a post about my brothers. They are two of the craziest, funniest guys I have ever known. I can't even put into words what they are like so I will post some pictures and comment on those. For the most part, with those two, expect the unexpected. Corey is 2 years younger than I am, and I would say that I am closest to him out of the two. Casey is 5 years younger than I am. Most of these pics are on Sunday afternoons when we seem to have the most fun. My husband has learned to loosen up over the years and has found out from them that it is fun to be wild and crazy. In August the three of us and our families went camping and to get firewood. We have never done that before without having our parents there, so we kind of relaxed and had a lot of fun. I am hoping that we get to do that a couple of times next year for sure. We pretty much just laugh, the whole time we are together. Casey is definitely the clown and Corey tends to be the quiet one, but once you get them together Corey comes alive and then the fun begins. They have so many different impressions and accents that they do, we almost pee our pants every time. It has been fun to see my husband, Eric lighten up when they are around and join in on the fun.

Sunday Tradition

2008-10-05T20:35:00.000-07:00

In the last 6 months a new tradition has emerged at our house, quite by accident I think. My two brothers and their wives and kids started coming to our house every sunday night. We started out playing Guitar Hero until it was time to get the kids to bed, then when we got tired of that, the women would sit outside and watch the guys ride wheelies on the motorcycles (on my front lawn, but what could I say? I didn't want to be the fun hater). Then when we all got tired of that, and there were permanent ruts on my front lawn we all started gathering around the kitchen table eating nachos, and talking about farting, or whatever other gross stuff happened to come up. (You'd have to know my brothers). We have had a lot of fun and it has quickly become something we all look forward to every Sunday night. In fact, my brother Corey always gives me a hard time because they have to wait until I wake up from my nap before they can come up. (Sorry guys, Sunday naps are required at my house). My mom has started coming up and hanging out with us, so we almost have the whole family. The only one missing is my dad and he is a hermit and we don't see him much. (Another story for another post.) I have really come to love my brothers even more because of this tradition and I look forward to many more Sunday nights together!

Ahhh what a great day!

2008-10-05T09:41:00.001-07:00

I think I already mentioned... I love conference weekend. Well this morning, I got up and my husband had built a fire in our wood stove, had breakfast cooking, and conference was just starting. What a great day! I can't wait for my nap later... I mean the talks later. :)

Naps

2008-10-04T17:21:00.000-07:00

Ok, I know I have already written about my naps, but I have a story to share. Yestarday I was laying on the bed with my husband who had just gotten home from work. (I was reading, did I also mention that I love to read?) He said he was going to take a nap before the football game, (our local high school Homecoming game). He asked me if I was going to sleep, I said, "No, I need to stay awake cuz I am on the ambulance crew (I am an EMT) for the game tonight and I need to be at the garage by 6:45." It was 5:00 pm. Next thing I know, my husband woke me up and said, "Hon, it's 6:40." AAAHHHH!!! I'm going to be late! I flew out of bed, grabbed my shoes and coat and Mountain Dew (of course) and flew down to the garage. I think I made it down there faster than I do when we actually get paged out! I made it on time, but couldn't believe that I had fallen asleep that fast and had no idea that I had slept that long. Well, I do love naps...

Conference!

2008-10-04T17:16:00.000-07:00

I LOVE Conference! It is my favorite weekend ever! You know why? Cuz I also love naps. I mean Seriously LOVE naps. It just so happens, that I get to take some serious naps on conference weekend! Did I mention I love naps? Ok, Ok, you have to know, that I really really try to stay awake for ALL of the conference talks... well at least the Sunday ones. But it usually goes like this.

me: ok kids, lets watch conference
kids: awww mom!
me: it's so important! Get a notebook and write down things that they say that you like or draw a picture of what they are talking about.
kids: both sessions?
me: (sternly) yes, both sessions. It's not that long and it won't hurt you!

Conference starts. I get through the first session and really have learned a lot and am looking forward to the second session. Second session starts, the kids are on the floor dutifully drawing and mom is on the couch snoring. Happens everytime! I try so hard to stay awake and I just am unable too! I usually wake up with the closing prayer and hope that somehow my brain has absorbed all that has been said while I was sleeping! But still, I do love conference... and naps...

First Post!

2008-10-02T22:12:00.001-07:00

Ok, I am pretty excited to get this blog going. I have been blogging for awhile but this is my first blog that's just about me. My frustrations, likes, dislikes, etc. Could be a little scary, but this is a good way for me to express myself to a bunch of total strangers on the web! The name for this blog comes from the fact that my biggest pet peeve is drama. I don't mean theatre, movies, etc. I mean all out look-at-me dramatic kind of people! Hate it, hate it! I have many pet peeves, but this would have to be the biggest one. I don't expect any followers but if you do read my blog, please comment. I love to read comments! I will add stuff as fast as I can, but my spare time is pretty limited, so it might be a little slow at first! Happy Blogging!